Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
did i walk over a car last night?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
