he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
