What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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