Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
