You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
