I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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