why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I have tasted many bathrooms
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
