My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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