Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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