So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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