Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
