May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
