Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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