It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
