my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
