you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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