ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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