I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
