I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My cat gives me a boner
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
