you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
