Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
