Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
