my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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