o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
