omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
