When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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