Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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