I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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