my phone needs a breathalizer
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
