I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
