So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize