so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
