I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
