I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
