At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
