Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
