i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
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