I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
