just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize