Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Randomize
