I need help removing her.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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