I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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