Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
