we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
