he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
