i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
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