I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
