pop tarts are not kleenex
she pinky promised me she was 18
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
