if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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