guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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