I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
