I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize