Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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