I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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