apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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