Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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